An Unfortunate Consequence

The only good thing about feeling your absolute lowest is that things are bound to get better. And they will. They always do somehow. I wish they'd get better sooner though. I especially don't want to feel like this when we start performing. This isn't exactly one of those shows where you can use these sorts of feelings and apply them to your character. And I wish I could forget about the pain. It's just funny. After all the college psychology courses I took, I can spend hours psychoanalyzing my feelings and determine why I feel the way I do, but no amount of psychoanalysis dulls the pain, stops the tears, silences the cries... THAT's poetic. That's pathetic.

It's just difficult when you know what you've done, and you want so badly to make it all better, but you can't turn back the clock and fix things. I mean, everything happens for a reason. I'm sure Heavenly Father has something in store for me within all of this, but my eyes can only see so far ahead of me. Sometimes I wish I could deal with these sorts of things like other people do, but I'm just not that good. I just need my time, and no one can really do anything to fix this. I can't fix it myself, so why should I expect anyone else to do it?

At a time like this, I'd attempt to remedy myself with a trip to Disneyland, but that's not happening anytime soon, and definitely not before the show starts performing. There has to be something though.....

The Road Less Traveled

You ever get the feeling that you're in over your head? You ever wonder why you have to feel the way you do when it doesn't benefit anyone, especially not yourself? You ever think about when it will be your time, and that finally that one little tick you couldn't seem to shake off will release itself from you and go elsewhere? You ever feel like you should have learned from your mistakes and soon you can take the higher road, but that other road keeps dragging you back in?

Who said it's easy to learn from your mistakes? And how can you learn from a mistake that just won't leave you alone?

Thinking is hard on the mind and body. Yet, at the same time, it's incredible to imagine and explore the possibilities. I get carried away though. The problems that made up my life are resurfacing. I'm doing my best to ignore them, which isn't as difficult when I'm occupied with other things. It's harder though when I look at other people and notice that they aren't dealing with what I am dealing with right now. No one else can understand how hard this is, and I wouldn't want anyone to either. Still, I wish that one day I can look back at these problems and say, "Wow, I'm glad that's over, because I truly have something better to live for now." But when? Will it really take another year? Or two? Or five? Or am I just meant to deal with this for the rest of my life, stuck on this road I'm on, while everyone turns onto the other road?

When will I finally be able to travel on the other road?

Batoru Rowaiaru

Every now and then, I discover a movie that makes me go WOW. A movie that can make me feel a wide variety of emotions. A movie that makes me sympathize and ponder over. A movie that touches on the adolescent psyche and the destruction of an advanced society. A movie I can watch over and over and find something new every time. As of last week, this movie is Battle Royale.

I was never good with movie plots, so anyone interested can just travel to IMDB for an array of viewer-written plots. Long story short, a class of 42 students is selected and sent to a deserted island, where they will remain for no longer than three days. Each student is provided with food, water, a flashlight, a compass, a map, and a random weapon (anything from a MAC-10 to a crossbow to a paper fan; "Maybe you'll get lucky, maybe not."), in addition to their own belongings. They are released onto the island, with the intent that they will kill each other. 42 students begin in this game, but only one will remain. Oh yeah, and there is no escaping or hiding because each student has a collar fastened around their necks which can pinpoint their location to the authorities, so if anyone acts up their collars can be detonated like bombs, killing them in seconds.

The concept of the movie is an interesting one, but at first could not stimulate me enough to want to watch it. It was not conceivable that a movie with a cast of over 42 characters doing nothing but killing each other could be appealing. I am not partial to nonstop action films, I cannot handle gory films, and I do not generally like films with an overload of characters, because this means multiple storylines, which then means too many things would be happening at once, and my brain likes the idea of watching a movie once and understanding what happens then and there. As far as I was told, this movie had all of those characteristics, so initial interest did not spark.

I expected a thin plot line covered with blood and guts, filled with forgettable one-dimensional nerds and Japanese school girls with good hair. I cheated a bit by going to Wiki and reading up on the plot of the movie and I was very confused, mainly because of all the characters with their three or four syllable names which all looked the same to me (two of the girls in the movie are named Yumiko and Yukiko, and another three are named Yuko, Yuka, and Yukie; I rest my case). So, to alleviate my confusion and mediocre expectations, it only made sense to watch the movie and see if things would be different.

WOW. I could chalk up my adoration of this movie to exceeding my expectations, but this movie has so much to offer. It takes a basic storyline and crafts it into a work of art. It draws you in from the beginning and gives life to each of its characters. Its use of flashbacks is minimal, but they are relevant and integrate well into the story. What is interesting is that most of these characters are teenagers, and are portrayed as such with young adolescent minds, thrust into a situation bigger than they are. Sometimes the dialogue seems choppy and out of place, but these are teenagers, most of whom do not fully comprehend everything about life, and that's what makes them so believable.

The name of the game is survival, and each student reacts to the game in a different way, which is even more interesting when some characters have a change in mindset as the game progresses. It poses the question "Could you kill your best friend?" and many of the students build alliances because initially to them this question can be answered with an immediate NO. Still, if the name of the game is survival, and if it really came down to it, what would you do? Would you be the one to die or survive? Would you die fighting or end your life quickly because you could not bear hurting another? Would you kill to save someone else? Many of these questions are presented, and the many responses illustrated in the movie only draw in the viewer more to see the outcomes.

The soundtrack is also incredible, because it is comprised mostly of classical compositions. It is a unique take for this movie, given its story and themes, but the music is so fitting. The calm and serene compositions complement the tension felt throughout the movie, and it's a brilliant combination of visual and auditory senses.

Of course, being me, I did get a touch of yellow fever while watching the movie. As far as my tastes are concerned, it was all about the main hacker guy and the guy who never talked. The guy who was looking for his best friend and his crush wasn't so bad either. However, this information is relevant only to myself.

This movie is NOT for everyone. It is very intense, very disturbing, and very VERY violent. After watching it the first time, there are parts of the movie I can't bear to look at again, and instinctively I turn my head away at every view following. All things included, it is one of the best movies I have seen.

The Joy of Nutella

It has been a long time since I last went to Valley Fair, but I wanted some accessories for Dianna's party tomorrow. I thought I'd spice up the standard Asian costume she is so graciously letting me borrow with a little more to make me look like a well-known fictional fighter, but perhaps one that is less recognizable to those whose parents (like mine) did not allow them to own video games when they were younger. I found almost everything I was looking for, but as my friend and I were about to exit the mall, we saw a crepe stand, and the craving for crepes began to seep in. I managed to control my temptation in purchasing one, but my friend gave in for a crepe filled with ice cream and Nutella. Mind you, I love ice cream, and I love Nutella, but the fusion of the two was something beyond anything my tastebuds were anticipating.

And after consuming the remains of this delectable goodness, my endless love for Nutella has returned. While away at school, I would spend many afternoons on my chair with a box of wafers and a jar of Nutella. A jar would last me about a week, if even. At times, I would abandon my lunch for a few spoonfuls of Nutella. And no road trip was complete without a few jars in my car. (I intend on bringing some along with me to Disneyland.) And what could be better than Nutella as a dessert? Nutella drizzled atop a scoop or two of vanilla? Who needs chocolate syrup! Nutella spread across a fluffy pound cake? Scrumptious! Chocolate Nutella fondue? THAT would be heavenly! If only more occasions called for fondue, because I imagine fondue and Nutella would dance across my taste buds more lively than a sip of White Gummy Bear.

But why is Nutella NEVER on sale? Is this fair to the addicts such as myself who only carry a few dollars around and late at night are in dire need of a smooth hazelnut fix? I dream of a world where men will find peace, pain will disappear, and Nutella will be free and plentiful!

Actually, I Could Be The Mole

Why is playing evil so much fun?

No, I didn't do anything evil. At least, not that I'm aware of. I just really miss the theater. UCI didn't have much in the way of musical theater, so I have felt deprived to say the least. I'll be auditioning for another musical next month though and I'm hoping it all works out somehow. Meanwhile, I remember watching The Mole years ago when it first premiered, thinking that it was one awesome show. I still remember the last guy standing and his confrontation with the Mole, and she walked out of this smoky tunnel with this trenchcoat and these tall boots, and I thought to myself, "Wow, that is so hot." Now, I'm attempting to watch it again (I figured, why not, since my muse The Bachelorette just ended and this just happened to be on next) and it just isn't drawing me in the way it used to. It's probably because I haven't watched it from the beginning, but then again "reality" tv isn't as engaging as it used to be. Even The Bachelorette is a bit dull now with all the tactics they're using on the show to make it seemingly more exciting for viewers.

I haven't written a new script in a while. I think I have something new to work on though (in addition to my other unfinished projects). I wish the film writing classes didn't last for eight hours a day, otherwise I'd definitely enroll. One day, I'll have enough time to do nothing that I'll finally be able to take that class.

Disneyland is still in the works too. I have the weekend set, now all we need is the hotel and for gas prices to drop dramatically in the next several weeks. And maybe more of a gender balance since so far it looks like I'm the only girl going for sure. How about The Mole LIVE at Disneyland? Hmmm, maybe not. Back to the drawing (writing?) board.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Throughtout today, I have pondered dreams I've had. I'm not talking about goals and aspirations, but dreams that appear when I'm asleep. In the past week or so, this one dream keeps reoccuring more often than every other day. Sometimes I take these things as a sign to come in the near future, but for all I know it could just be my subconscious going out of its way to show me what will never happen no matter how much I want it to. What's a girl to believe?

Oh well. It's probably just an outcome of all the sugar I consumed last night. And the singing. And the brief period of time I was nerdified?



But now is not the time to look back at these ridiculous subconscious thoughts. I need to get ready to go. To go to Disneyland? No, not yet. Maybe next time.

Happy 22nd! (and a Half)

I'm still giving high consideration to my 22.5th birthday this year. June might be a little too soon to have it, but it's a maybe. If not, perhaps later into the summer, when less is happening. My main issue is location and cost. (Guests? One person could show up, and I'd be set. I'm fairly confident I'd have at least three people there though.) Although I have a job, root beer kegs are kind of pricey. And my house and backyard are lacking in room for guests, kegs, and a ping pong table. So I may need to negotiate with someone for space. I might also pull a "bring your own drinks" memo, or ask for donations. That could work? If not, well, there's always next year. There's something fun about planning the party before actually having one. Maybe I'll just go to Disneyland instead, and bribe a few people to go with me. I don't know though, I think this has potential.

And I am serious about the root beer kegs and the ping pong table.