Seriously, Sincerely

All I can do right now is smile. But this time, I feel like dancing too.

Cool. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Mucka Blucka

Something is definitely off with me. I felt bad. So, I went to my Pinterest page and onto the board of guaranteed laughs, and I laughed a lot, and now I'm feeling okay.

And I finally downloaded this song on iTunes. It makes me giggle.

Tuesday Bluesday

It's been one of those days. I can be fortunately that now I have a little bit of down time now though. While the temptation to fall asleep will be one I give into soon, and because I cannot currently partake in SVUesday, I present a new way to lull myself to sleep: Bluesday.

And tonight, it starts with this song:

Smile Like You Mean It

All I can do right now is smile. And that is the only thing I should do.

Cool. Cool cool cool.

I Am a Hobbit: The Christmas-Birthday Conundrum

Recently, a former roommate of mine sent this Buzzfeed link to me:

Why Christmas Birthdays Are The Worst

And it cracked me up. It's funny and, for the most part, it's very true.

I wanted to expound on a few of these points, because not a lot of people really understand it. Christmas babies can get tossed aside sometimes because it's stressful enough having to deal with Christmas, let alone celebrate a birthday on top of it. It's essentially Sixteen Candles, except it happens not just once, but nearly EVERY year.

Now, lest I sound ungrateful in the next few paragraphs, let me say that my family has done great in dealing with my awkward day of birth. I have also had a few friends and an old flame go out of their way in small, special ways to spend a little time with me, and those are the birthday memories that I remember with fondness and cherish most.

Well, this is a taste of what it has been like to have Christmas birthday:

Christmas > birthday.

My birthday will always be upstaged by Christmas, and by the jolly large man in the red suit who says Ho-Ho-Ho. I don't blame anything or anyone for this happening, because there are a heck of a lot more people in the world celebrating Christmas than they are my birthday. I compensate by pretending all of the festivities and decorations are for me though. =P

Now I confess, and I feel bad admitting it, but I have had a tendency to ignore "Merry Christmas" wishes I received via voice message, text, FB, and so on, if they do not include a "Happy Birthday" wish as well. It's not because I don't want to wish these kind hearts a merry Christmas in turn (and I'm getting better at just letting it go and sending an appropriate reply), but it's kind of a bummer to be acknowledged on Christmas but forgotten on your birthday. =/

(That said, I am SO thankful to receive birthday wishes from those who remember, and goodness knows how sweet these people are to take time out of their fun Christmas celebrations to send me a quick shoutout.)

On that previous note...

Birthday party? Forget about it.

It'll never happen ON my actual birthday. Now, it seems a rare event for anyone to celebrate their birthday ON their actual birthday, but I usually have to block out the ten days before and after Christmas (if not more) as well because any party I schedule in this period of time will be a party of 1. Even if I am in a town where other friends are as well, Christmas is a family holiday, and the majority of people who celebrate it will be with their families and unable to attend any other sort of party or gathering, let alone a birthday. I'm used to celebrating in solitude though, and I would frequently take myself out for mini-celebrations -- it gives me time to think about what I have done with my year and what more I could do in the future, among other things.

But how many places are actually open on Christmas day?

As a result, and a fun one at that, I have taken to celebrating my birthday whenever I want, especially on my half-birthday and baptism birthday. I'm hoping to change that this year though and actually attempt a small celebration sometime this month, but with an incredibly busy schedule, it may not be easy.

I can also be thankful that Disneyland is one of the few places that IS open so I am able to rock the birthday badge on my actual birthday.

Double presents?

Yes and no.

Some years, I was spoiled more than others. For instance, in third grade, I got a guitar (which I still play today), as well as a slew of other little gifts just from my parents. This came not just from being an only child but also being the only grandchild on one side of the family living in the same country as said grandparents. It was humbling at times though to steer away from materialism because often that toy that I really really REALLY wanted in April would always have to "wait until Christmas/birthday", and come October, it would be long gone from my mind, or no longer in production, or upgraded to something newer, faster, and better -- and who needs that?

On the other hand, most of my life, I have been victim to the combination Christmas & birthday present, because HEY, they happen to be on the same day! It's been annoying at times, but that's the materialistic child in me talking. (And honestly, I have received some amazing single presents that I can't be cynical; the guitar, for one, was more than enough.) At this point in my life, and with our economy, it really doesn't phase me; I ask for so little nowadays because I don't need much, that I am thankful for ANYTHING I get. And I would do the combo present if I had friends with a Christmas birthday.... okay, no, I probably wouldn't.

Speaking of, I can't think of anyone else who has to give other people gifts on their own birthday, aside from the Christmas babies. And apparently, hobbits.

Now, things have improved as I have grown older. I appreciate that I can celebrate my birthday setting aside my selfish needs and thinking about and giving to my family and friends, and sometimes people I don't even know. I especially love being able to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and ponder on His life and all that he gave to me and for all humankind, and goodness knows Jesus didn't let His birthday stop Him from showing charity to others!

Plus, birthday aside, I love the Christmas season and all it represents. And now that it is December, it gives me all the more reason to break out the Christmas tunes and movies.

Also, another reason I have grown to love my birthday: Rod Serling has a Christmas birthday too. =)

It's the October 19th Season

It's always been important to me to remember that no matter how down I feel, I truly am blessed. I wish more people could be this way. Given my snark and sarcasm, I'm not exactly the shining example of bubbly optimism, but it kind of gets under my skin when people constantly sweat the small stuff. Still, I get it, everyone reacts differently to situations, and I'm no exception, so who am I to judge. I guess, point being, I wish more people could take time every now and then to realize how good their lives really are.

I have been incredibly busy, and my mind has been preoccupied with a lot of thoughts, some of which are really not worth wasting brain space on. As a coworker put it, I have "burned bridges", although I do not object to building new bridges, but I don't have the time, tools, or manpower to do that right now. Still, in hopes of improving myself, I have found solace in several small, significant moments all in the last month. And it continues through what is now a month after the fabulous date of October 19th.

Well, I haven't done this in a while, but since I had several October 19th moments IN October, here I go again:

I just wanted to buy it because it's golden and the commercial for it was exciting.

Buying GOLD?!... that's October 19th.

Building a costume with no-sew hem tape... that's October 19th.

And taking said costume to join friends for trick-or-treat at Disneyland... that's October 19th.

I jumped in on a group costume with my friends Margie and Steven. I'm Vanessa (aka Ursula when she takes human form) from The Little Mermaid. I have no idea who those two are supposed to be though.

JACKPOT of candy, some of which is still sitting in my room... that's October 19th.

When it unexpectedly rains after several hot days in a row... that's October 19th.

Going on a super fun hetero-date with a wonderful (married) long-time girl friend... that's October 19th.

It started with Disneyland and ended with over four hours of karaoke. Rain and shaved snow were also involved. Basically, it was everything I could ask for in a date.

Singing... and singing some more... and then recording... that's October 19th.

Making lots of pleasant memories catching up with co-workers... that's October 19th.

Being a part of an awe-inspiring gift for another wonderful long-time friend... that's October 19th.

I wanted to send this picture, but I liked the others I contributed better, so this was not a keeper.

The AMAZING gift was put together by my friend Allan for our friend Tinasu, check it: http://tinamoosu.tumblr.com/ 

Intentionally waking up at 4:30 in the morning without feeling like a Grinch... that's October 19th.

Validated parking in an otherwise expensive parking lot... that's October 19th.

Meeting that guy from those two TV shows you really like... that's October 19th.

No, this is not photo-shopped. It was super fun and he is just as attractive in person, even without the skinny tie.

Asian babies in costumes... that's October 19th.

Okay, ALL babies in costumes... that's October 19th.

Putting together another awesome pre-Halloween group costume with a few friends... that's October 19th.

I don't usually go for play-on-word costumes, but I actually really liked this one. Naturally, I wanted to be the drummer, and not a lot of people recognized me, so it was a win-win. 

Pumpkin flavored chocolate... that's October 19th.

Staying surprisingly immune (for now) through the oncoming cold and flu season... that's October 19th.

When you have just enough money to finally take a short but much-needed road trip... that's October 19th.

January 2nd......... that's October 19th! This next season couldn't come sooner.

Shells Are for Turtles

This is somewhat of a follow-up to my last post.

I came to realize a few more things about myself. Well, I guess that's what this age is all about.

For one, I LOVE performing. This is not a new realization, but a good reminder that hits me every time I'm in a show. Generally speaking, I'm kind of an animated character. And, though it has not been manifest lately, I love to be around people. I love getting to know people and hearing about their lives, and I love when I can open up my life to them too. This has been especially true about when I perform onstage. It doesn't upset or phase me when I look out at the audience for one of my shows and realize that no one that I invited is there (truth is, it's actually a relief because it takes the pressure off!), but when I see someone I know sitting out there, someone who has taken the time out to come and be a part of my life, which in this case is on the stage, it makes me happy.

I admit, I have crawled back into my shell a bit after recent happenings. Anyone who has met me in the last few months has met someone completely different from the weirdo I really am, which may or may not be a good thing. However, I have become very distrustful of people again, especially women, and goodness knows if I'll ever befriend another woman to the point of sharing my true feelings with her about anything again. It's been hard enough to try and open up to any woman I haven't known for more than ten years, and I just feel like I have been taken back a decade. There have been a few recent instances, though, that have almost made me change my mind. There are some wonderful women in this world. I have grown up with them, I sang with them, I currently work with them, I am friends with them, I play improv games alongside them, I have shared the stage with them. I'm still hiding in my shell, and I'm still very guarded and cautious about my surroundings, but the steps I have taken thus far are gradually easing me back outside. I can, at least for now, poke my head out again and take a look. And that's nice.

I have been overwhelmed with love and support recently. This could be because of certain down times, or because people truly care about my well-being, or because there is something wonderful in me that I'm not noticing, or maybe all of the above. Without delving into the history of it, I need to boost my self-confidence, especially as a performer. I am getting better at seeing the good in myself (sometimes), but I'm still far off because I'm so darn good at noticing the bad. It does feel great to have those moments where I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I am beautiful without the sneakiest hint of doubt. Those moments rarely come, but the handful of times they have come in my life have felt pretty darn good.

I also realized I have a LOT of improving to do as a performer, which is not meant to be a contradiction to my last statement. I am my own worst critic. I'm not saying this to put myself down, but to acknowledge that I can get better. And I want to get better, especially as a vocalist. I have been singing in choirs and shows for about 20 years now, and I have not reached a point where I can hear myself sing. So, today, I made a decision to start fixing myself. I took out my laptop and recorded myself singing. And then, I saved each of these recordings, and played them back, and attempted to listen to them without cringing, even when I KNEW beforehand that I went flat on this pitch, or sharp on that pitch, or ran out of air at the end of this phrase, or started that phrase with an awkward sounding vowel. And something happened: I was still cringing, but I wasn't feeling disappointed with the results... I was actually inspired to make them better.

So, I decided to take this further in doing something that terrifies me: posting it on Youtube. It's mostly for me since I don't anticipate a lot of views, but in the event anyone else stumbles across my scratchy recordings, I figure that constructive criticism can only help. I don't know if it will do any good, but at the least, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and my endless wailing.

Anyway, this is the first rough recording I made, using only my laptop's sound recorder. It's not perfect, and it's also not in English. Still, it's a start, and I can only get better: