I'm a Character

I believe everything happens for a reason. It's funny to see how life experiences can make or break a person, and how some people are destroyed by certain experiences that others are unaffected by. As time continues to pass in its transcendental form, the thoughts and feelings I have been meaning to release in one way or another continue to accumulate. It's almost becoming too much to handle, but when the sources that one needs to rely on to release these thoughts and feelings are unavailable or unwilling to be of assistance, there is not much left for one to do but internalize these thoughts. I plan on releasing some, if not all, of these thoughts and feelings one day. Today is not that day.

I am an empathetic. Or am I just pathetic? I realized last night that I don't like the term "hopeless romantic". It gives off a negative vibe, as if to say someone is "romantic, but hopeless". Who would want to be labeled as such? I suppose such a label has unintentionally applied to me for most if not all of my entire life, and maybe it's true. However, there should be something to be said about a person who tries to persevere regardless of their hopeless state. From now on, I would rather be labeled a "hopeful romantic", because one day, someone will come along, and I won't be afraid to give everything for him, and he won't hurt me because once he's gained my trust he'll see I have so much to offer him that isn't worth giving up on because of a few mistakes, and I will no longer be trapped in the cycle of hopelessness. And I would only hope that because I have been capable of such love before, that I will not be too scared to fall into such a trap again lest I be hurt as badly as I have by a number of fellows in the past. I truly want to believe that love offers second chances, and maybe it'll be worth it the next time around. And those are probably the most pathetic statements drenched in sappiness that I have ever written in the history of this blog's existance. I think I just made myself nauseous.



I am sincere with a strong twist of sarcasm. Before I fell asleep this morning, I had another revelation that smacked me in the face amidst the potpourri of disturbing thoughts that continues to plague my mind as it has since I arrived in southern California (must be something in the air or something). I know why so many people are getting married lately: because our economy is a mess! At a time like this, who will deny the tax benefits and the financial support of another? And yes, one can argue that weddings are expensive, but at a time like this, who is really investing in a ginormous, over-the-top wedding (I'm still seriously considering Vegas) with a dangerously priced honeymoon? And if so, who's to say they intend on living in a five bedroom mansion immediately after the festivities are over? Food for thought.

I am excited for the future. When life brings me down (and life has definitely been beating the daylights out of me recently), it's nice to remember that right now I have rock and roll on my side. And it's also nice to watch Neal Caffrey cock a gun.

A Step Closer to Vampire

My mind and heart have been crammed with too many thoughts and feelings lately, both good and bad and everything in between. There are about a million different things I wanted to blog about lately (and by "a million", I mean nine, which is still a comparatively large number), and maybe I'll get to them in due time as the month go by. At this rate, it's looking more like months though, given I don't update as often because I feel the necessity to empty out my thoughts on this public online venue only worthwhile every month or so.

I will say this for today though, and for the sake of my thoughts now starting to leak from every pore. When presented with the question "Would you rather be a vampire or werewolf?" (which I shake my head in disappointment that it was most likely brought to me due to the sudden rise in popularity of a fictitional series of novels and now movies) I answered "Vampire", as much as it may pain me as an Italian to give up garlic in any form.

As I have witnessed my deterioration of the last few months firsthand, it wasn't until I awoke today that I realized I am still somewhat trapped. With that said, today I got up out of bed at approximately the same time the sun began setting. Have I taken ill with another cold or possibly the flu? After all, tis the season, and given such an incomprehensible amount of sleep time, sickness may justify the need for this surplus of rest. Perhaps I have taken ill again, but I do not have symptoms of the cold or flu this time. It should be noted that I was out of bed when the sun set, but I was asleep when the sun began to rise. Am I still experiencing the apathy and overall worthlessness that started to possess me back in September? This is a more plausible scenario, and though the previous week was a time of anticipation for the future which is still casting a dim light far down on the other end of the tunnel that I have been inching toward, the loneliness of the present somehow has a way of bringing back the pains and demons of self destruction. This is a battle I fought for a few years in the past, and I don't want to believe I will be wasting more years fighting again.

Or could I be turning into a vampire? Maybe that's all it is.

Look Pa, I'm on Youtube!

I shouldn't be making it a routine to put a video in every entry of mine, because it's kind of a cop out for me not to write, but maybe that's a better thing right now. Anyway, we made a video, so it's worth an entry this time around:

Barely Breathing

I don't have much to keep me going right now, so this sudden burst of anticipation is unexpected. I'm not as excited as I should be, and I will probably end up going on alone in this anyway. Still, at least I don't have to go far for this.

Kyle Riabko isn't Melchior anymore, but that's okay. I have another chance to see the show for the first time. I hope I can make it until next month.

I Don't Know

I don't really have anything to write.

I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time typing out all of these words when no one is really reading them. Still, I have promised myself to a monthly type thanks to setting 101 goals for the next 1001 days, and I am due for an update. Given the pattern of procrastination at the end of each month to squeeze in an entry or two, I might as well write something now, giving me ample time to gather my thoughts together for something more profound to blog about next month.

I guess I never figured out exactly why I have this blog. I don't have a large network of fellow bloggers, especially those who keep themselves currently updated, and I'm nowhere close to celebrity status that hundreds of scattered acquaintences care what thoughts and feelings are scrolling through my mind (precisely why I don't have a twitter). I suppose ever since I gave up the paper journal writing years ago after the nasty events that played out then, I owed it to myself to let my creative juices flow with the eccentricities that are my thoughts. Perhaps down the road, I will read this blog and realize it was worth writing in.

And at the same time, there was so much I could have written here, and, for one reason or another, chose not to. I avoided writing of the more personal things, hanging out with good friends and family and the one I love, the holidays, the parties I went to, the dates I had gone on, the shows and concerts I had performed in, the specific details of times I felt my happiest, saddest, strongest, weakest, most spiritual, confused, loved, heartbroken, worried for my welfare and of those I love and care for deeply. Though at times I may have stretched the truth and poked fun at myself, nothing I had written was a lie. And I do have my own special place where my sincere, personal thoughts of my memories are stored. In a way, I consider it a better thing to have not shared these thoughts on a public venue such as blogspot. However, if I had opened up early on, would things have changed? Would I have been taken more seriously by others? Would my words be more significant, more influential, more meaningful?

I have been blessed with many things in life, but as selfish and ungrateful as it may sound, there's so much more that's missing now. My mind has never been more confused, and yet the messages I'm getting are so clear and direct, and that makes things even more confusing, because these are not the messages I should be receiving when everything is suddenly working against them. With that, I also find it'll be more difficult to write here, but what a miracle it'll be to channel back into my eccentricities in the very near future.

And this gives me more caution on what to write next. I have been riding the fence of being too open or too indirect with the thoughts of mine that I jot online. To be too open makes me immediately vulnerable to getting hurt and having my words taken and used against me. To be too indirect makes my words and thoughts and motives, essentially me, misinterpreted. So where to go from here? What to write next? October's entry might take a while. Considering my audience, however, I don't think anyone will mind.

Oops. So much for not having anything to write.

Another Month Goes By

And tomorrow is September already? What happened to my August?

This means it'll get cooler, won't it. Not that it hasn't started already. It's getting cooler, but I'm feeling hotter!

I wonder what September 9th will be like this year.

Bahay Kubo

Recently, I woke up one day singing this song:

I haven't sung this since I was a little kid. I can't believe I remember.