Shells Are for Turtles

This is somewhat of a follow-up to my last post.

I came to realize a few more things about myself. Well, I guess that's what this age is all about.

For one, I LOVE performing. This is not a new realization, but a good reminder that hits me every time I'm in a show. Generally speaking, I'm kind of an animated character. And, though it has not been manifest lately, I love to be around people. I love getting to know people and hearing about their lives, and I love when I can open up my life to them too. This has been especially true about when I perform onstage. It doesn't upset or phase me when I look out at the audience for one of my shows and realize that no one that I invited is there (truth is, it's actually a relief because it takes the pressure off!), but when I see someone I know sitting out there, someone who has taken the time out to come and be a part of my life, which in this case is on the stage, it makes me happy.

I admit, I have crawled back into my shell a bit after recent happenings. Anyone who has met me in the last few months has met someone completely different from the weirdo I really am, which may or may not be a good thing. However, I have become very distrustful of people again, especially women, and goodness knows if I'll ever befriend another woman to the point of sharing my true feelings with her about anything again. It's been hard enough to try and open up to any woman I haven't known for more than ten years, and I just feel like I have been taken back a decade. There have been a few recent instances, though, that have almost made me change my mind. There are some wonderful women in this world. I have grown up with them, I sang with them, I currently work with them, I am friends with them, I play improv games alongside them, I have shared the stage with them. I'm still hiding in my shell, and I'm still very guarded and cautious about my surroundings, but the steps I have taken thus far are gradually easing me back outside. I can, at least for now, poke my head out again and take a look. And that's nice.

I have been overwhelmed with love and support recently. This could be because of certain down times, or because people truly care about my well-being, or because there is something wonderful in me that I'm not noticing, or maybe all of the above. Without delving into the history of it, I need to boost my self-confidence, especially as a performer. I am getting better at seeing the good in myself (sometimes), but I'm still far off because I'm so darn good at noticing the bad. It does feel great to have those moments where I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I am beautiful without the sneakiest hint of doubt. Those moments rarely come, but the handful of times they have come in my life have felt pretty darn good.

I also realized I have a LOT of improving to do as a performer, which is not meant to be a contradiction to my last statement. I am my own worst critic. I'm not saying this to put myself down, but to acknowledge that I can get better. And I want to get better, especially as a vocalist. I have been singing in choirs and shows for about 20 years now, and I have not reached a point where I can hear myself sing. So, today, I made a decision to start fixing myself. I took out my laptop and recorded myself singing. And then, I saved each of these recordings, and played them back, and attempted to listen to them without cringing, even when I KNEW beforehand that I went flat on this pitch, or sharp on that pitch, or ran out of air at the end of this phrase, or started that phrase with an awkward sounding vowel. And something happened: I was still cringing, but I wasn't feeling disappointed with the results... I was actually inspired to make them better.

So, I decided to take this further in doing something that terrifies me: posting it on Youtube. It's mostly for me since I don't anticipate a lot of views, but in the event anyone else stumbles across my scratchy recordings, I figure that constructive criticism can only help. I don't know if it will do any good, but at the least, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and my endless wailing.

Anyway, this is the first rough recording I made, using only my laptop's sound recorder. It's not perfect, and it's also not in English. Still, it's a start, and I can only get better:

Not Enough Drama

This summer has been DRAMATIC, in a literal sense. I found myself lost in two very different roles from two very different shows: Romeo & Juliet and Nine the musical. I have come to learn a few new things during and after being a part of both of these productions:

~I don't care what Edna Mode says.... I like capes. =)

That said, and as pointed out by fellow cast members, my Romeo & Juliet costume made me look like Javert from Les Miserables. With the cape added on for the last show, it only enhanced my resemblance, and with it gave a touch of Phantom from Phantom of the Opera as well.

~It's no secret that I like my guys younger, but I realized that if a good one came along, I could probably be with an older man. There have been a few stand-up guys in both of these shows I was in that helped me see this. And yes, this is a HUGE change in my train of thought, because although I'm still immature, a lot of guys are too, including the ones who are older than I am. Plus, I'm an old soul when it comes to pop culture.

(However, I'm not quite ready to jump into the social scene of MSA activities until I reach that age myself, so some things haven't changed.)

~I LOVE playing a man, but I also love playing a woman. (Viola from Twelfth Night is on my role wish list for this very reason.) And I have now added the role of Guido Contini to my list of "Mens' Roles I Would Love to Play in a Gender-Swapped Production of the Show" -- though my romantic entanglements with men are lacking, the number of men who played significant roles in my life are not. I could undoubtedly say that the men I knew have also been more influential than the women -- from my dad, to my ex-boyfriends, to my honorary bros, to friends, acquaintances, coworkers who have left mere imprints. And you can bet that my subconscious has played out Nine in my dreams on more than one occasion, with myself as Guido, and featuring all of the guys in my life.

On a side-note, I played a man in Romeo & Juliet and a woman in Nine:

Going back to the men in my life, I have had the subconscious celebrity Nine dream play out as well at least once. The video I uploaded below only briefly mentions who would play my love interest in the movie of my life, and that was AFTER editing. The list of men goes on and on. This could be a problem....

~I would never sleep, eat, or socialize if I worked behind-the-scenes in the film industry. I spent a few full days sitting in front of my computer editing bits of video together from the messy footage I took on my little camera, and just by seeing how hooked I became working non-stop on these videos, there is no way I could survive doing this as a career. I could only imagine how I would behave with fancier, more complex technology and cleaner video footage to work with -- the OCD in me would erupt.

Speaking of, here's one of the videos I went crazy with putting together. Get to know me a little bit better, and also meet 15 of the coolest people that I have spent the last two months with:

Simply put, this was a great summer. Even though I still have a lot of growing to do, improvements to make as a dancer, actress, singer, and performer, and although it took me a while to get comfortable with the people I played and worked with (mostly because life decided to throw personal drama into the mix too), I have loved being a part of these shows. I almost forgot how exhausting and time-consuming it can be, but was it worth it? Absolutely. The shows themselves were incredible, the rehearsals were full of humor, kindness, self-improvement, and uplifting thoughts, the people were amazing, funny, and oh SO talented, and I hope to continue making this kind of drama in my life happen again soon.

The Fourth Rule of Storytelling

Once upon a time, there was a weirdo who was stuck in a dark place.

Every day, she tried to distract herself from all that had been bothering her, but to little avail.

Until one day, she decided to write all of the sad, painful thoughts down on paper.

And then, she wound up with over nine pages of scribble.

And then, she decided to add some color.

And then, she did a little bit of folding.

Until finally, she created a bouquet.

And ever since then, she always kept in mind that even the ugly moments in life can lead to something beautiful....

....Or, at least, less ugly. The end.

One Day at a Time

New mindless obligatory monthly post coming very soon....

Laughter in Music

The main theme of this week is music, especially nostalgic music that brings a smile, and when unintended. In lieu of exposing my current state of being, I have put together a list of songs which have absolutely no comical context in them whatsoever, but for some reason still make me laugh.

"Bailamos" - Enrique Iglesias

It is in part due to Enrique's vocalization (because "Hero" is also very funny), but whenever I hear this song, it also brings to mind the music video set in the Wild Wild West (yup, as in the movie). I love the random ladies who appear out of nowhere to dance around Enrique whenever the chorus of the song starts, and Enrique's narrow escapes with the end of each chorus. I also like the claps the ladies do in the first chorus, and I carry them into the second and third.

"Copacabana" - Barry Manilow

How depressing. A woman's lover gets killed in front of her and she goes crazy. And yet the tune is so catchy and the instrumentals so upbeat, I zone out the true meaning behind the lyrics and sing along with a big grin on my face. Yeah, a little awkward.

"第一次" - Michael Wong
I'm not really sure why this song is so amusing. My imitation of Michael's vocals? Reminiscing back to my first listen of this song on a high school friend's computer?  The awkward beginning, and awkward ending, and awkward middle segments, of the music video? I don't know for sure, but I like it.

"Hello" - Lionel Richie
Community reference! I love how the Spanish version of this song was featured on those Doritos Locos taco commercials too. And the music video is two parts creepy, one part sweet, and ten parts laughter.

"I'll Make Love to You" - Boyz II Men
The lyrics, the vocals, the music video (which thankfully is NOT about two people making love), the fact that it played in the background to an awkward scene between jock Mike and nerd William in Can't Hardly Wait. It's all pretty self-explanatory.

"On the Wings of Love" - Jeffrey Osbourne
I would not have this song in my mental playlist if it wasn't for The Soup. This would play every time they featured segments of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, and every time I would exclaim along with Joel positive expletives at Jeffrey Osbourne for his dang awfully beautiful song. Touch my heart and make me giggle over and over again.

"Sometimes When We Touch" - Manny Pacquiao

I just love hearing Manny sing. Definitely worth the download on iTunes.

"투나잇" - 터보

I watched the music video to this fairly recently, and I was close to welling up. I don't know if the context of the song is meant to match up what was shown in the video itself. I do not speak Korean, so this song is fun to sing along to since 1. the vocals on one of the guys are crazy high, and 2. how much more fun is it when you can just make up your own words to the parts you do not know? Too bad my Korean is limited. "Arirang Anyang An Anyang Anyang/Anyang Anyang Kamsahamnida..."

"When I Dream at Night" - Marc Anthony

Is this supposed to be a love song? Because there is definitely something else going on in this guy's mind. It can all be heard in the lyrics. Plus, his vocalization, like Enrique's, is fun to imitate in an exaggerated manner.

Maybe I need some lessons in how to react appropriately.

I Think What the Situation Needs is Some Imagination

I have a confession to make: I'm the one who keeps playing the Imagination Movers at work.

When I first discovered these guys, I thought they were the biggest dorks currently in existence on children's television. And to my defense, maybe I wasn't so far off. However, some number of years later (more like in the last week or so), I have changed my tune drastically. These guys are AMAZING.

I found a couple of their CDs in our collection at work left from a former teacher. I didn't think too much of them, but thought to play one of these CDs anyway spontaneously during one of my classes. I received a lot of good feedback from the families exclaiming how much their kids love these guys, not to mention their music was easy for the adults to listen to as well. So I gave the movers another shot. I mean, if nothing else, they were popular with some the families at work. And then, suddenly, their tunes became a bit more catchy, and it was acceptable to play their music since it was upbeat and appropriate for the 16 month old kids and older without being too obnoxious for the adults. In the last few months, I started using it for free play music here and there, and as of the last few weeks, they've been guaranteed to play during every session of free play time I would find myself work.

With more exposure to their tunes, I was curious about their history, who these guys were outside of the blue jumpsuits and dorky personas, so in the past week, I took it to the most ready and reliable source: the Internet. Sarcasm aside.... WHOA, respect gave me a slap in the face. These guys started with an aim of being positive male role models on children's television that had been lost with the passing of Mister Rogers, as well as the absence others. These guys each have an individual history with backgrounds and experience in teaching, literature, journalism, fire-fighting, religious studies, and building design, to name a few. They are from New Orleans, and three of them lost their homes during Katrina, and the fourth worked as a part of the hurricane search-and-rescue effort. They are all married men, and three of the four are fathers. (One of them is a father of five... geez, did he start having kids when he was 15?!) So, not only are these guys musical and energetic, they're well-rounded, charismatic, family-oriented, humble, and a HUGE inspiration. I think the word "heroes" is very appropriate in one of their CDs titled "Juice Box Heroes". And they are still going strong to this day, touring and entertaining their fans, young and old.

Yes, I am now a fan.

Yes, I recently clicked the "like" button on Facebook.

Yes, I just bought one of their songs on iTunes. And I plan on buying more.

This is one of the first songs I heard (and video I watched) of theirs that initially convinced me of how lame I thought these guys were. This is also the song that has been stuck in my head in the last few days. Who knew going to the farm could rock like this?

The Other Timelines

A few nights ago, I had another Abed moment. I started to ponder the alternate parallel timelines of my life, a very Twilight Zone way of thinking. What would have become of my life if the slightest altercation was made? For instance...

What if I went to West Valley College instead of De Anza College? The original plan (and my original want) was West Valley, and after the change in my living situation, I could have just jumped at the chance to change schools. I mean, they're both community colleges, and the latter school only served to remind me of who still had total control over my life. I kept where I was though, for convenience more than anything else, and I was not looking forward to it. I did well academically though, maybe because I was motivated to transfer somewhere even further away from the painful reminder of why I was where I was. And with that, I made a few friends along the way (one in particular who was a big help to me spiritually and emotionally). I had an AMAZING music theory professor, and while it was hard to focus in his class during the second year, I learned a lot from him, and I have put it to good use recently while I am dabbling with vocal music arrangements. In fact, I have had a slew of awesome teachers who have left bigger imprints on my life than anyone in my time at the UC. Would I have had that at West Valley? Maybe, I don't know. Either way, I'm sure my love for Community would still be where it is today.

What if I was married at 24? Okay, this one is mostly beyond my control, because I was the dumpee instead of the dumper, but I could have been better too. More than anything, I was scared. And it was because I was scared (though I'm sure there are MANY other factors in play as well) that I drove away who was at the time a great guy for me, someone who I actually wanted to be with for the rest of my life and eternity. I know better now. Had I been married at that time, to that person, I would have likely ended up very

unhappy, possibly in divorce. This is not because he's a bad guy, but because it wouldn't have been right, at least not at the time. I knew then he would have been the right guy, but we were definitely rushing into things, and had we waited it out, given ourselves time to grow a little bit more, it could have been the right thing to do. Now I know that it was for the better. I don't know how he has fared, but I am amazed at how much growing up I have done since then. Although I have developed a fear of commitment as a result (which I won't give him too much credit for), something better is in store. I have no doubts he is now happily married, and maybe children are in the picture, and I in turn am enjoying a happy, single life which may or may not involve a partner down the road. Truth is, we are both much better off.

What if I did NOT join the LDS Church? Well... if I did not join it at the time, I probably would have eventually. Extraneous circumstances may have led me to a greater conversion story than what I have now. Maybe I would have actually tried an alcoholic drink, maybe many. I would have no longer been a church-goer since I was tainted by my time at the last church I was with, or I would just find a local church building to frequent on the major religious holidays. I would have continued in my cynicism toward life, with no purpose but to make it through to the next day, trudging through the pain that the past brought to me, fearful of the bleak and empty future, and ultimately fearful of death.

My self-conscious, insecure nature would have taken over me, and yes, I probably would have been a big slut. In the rare event I decided to try drugs, I would choose ecstasy. I'm not definitively saying I would have done all these mad things with my life had I not chosen the LDS Church; I know many who do not share my faith who are still good, wholesome, outstanding people. Unfortunately, I do not know for sure if I would have been one of these people. With the change in my living situation, I think I could have been straightened out so that the mental anguish of the past didn't screw me up for the future, but who can be so sure? The truth is, this church has changed my life, and it was tough at first, but these past eight years of membership have shaped me into a better person.

There are plenty of moments that I wish would have been different, which leads me to wonder what would have happened if they did actually play out the way I hoped they would. Then there are other times I wonder about a life vastly different from that I live now, be it better or worse. And yet, I know that there is nothing I could have done to change anything, and that even if these situations were tough and could have been avoided, that I would have had to face situations just as tough in these circumstances. I can be happy for the happy moments, and as for the sad, they have only made me stronger.

In other news, I think I need a vacation, even just a day or two to get away. In other words a la Abed, my Ferris Bueller needs a day off... whose dad has a vintage ferrari?

And hopefully it happens sooner rather than later, because earlier this week, this happened:

Yep, I have started preparing for the darkest timeline. (And yes, they are made of felt.)