Shells Are for Turtles

This is somewhat of a follow-up to my last post.

I came to realize a few more things about myself. Well, I guess that's what this age is all about.

For one, I LOVE performing. This is not a new realization, but a good reminder that hits me every time I'm in a show. Generally speaking, I'm kind of an animated character. And, though it has not been manifest lately, I love to be around people. I love getting to know people and hearing about their lives, and I love when I can open up my life to them too. This has been especially true about when I perform onstage. It doesn't upset or phase me when I look out at the audience for one of my shows and realize that no one that I invited is there (truth is, it's actually a relief because it takes the pressure off!), but when I see someone I know sitting out there, someone who has taken the time out to come and be a part of my life, which in this case is on the stage, it makes me happy.

I admit, I have crawled back into my shell a bit after recent happenings. Anyone who has met me in the last few months has met someone completely different from the weirdo I really am, which may or may not be a good thing. However, I have become very distrustful of people again, especially women, and goodness knows if I'll ever befriend another woman to the point of sharing my true feelings with her about anything again. It's been hard enough to try and open up to any woman I haven't known for more than ten years, and I just feel like I have been taken back a decade. There have been a few recent instances, though, that have almost made me change my mind. There are some wonderful women in this world. I have grown up with them, I sang with them, I currently work with them, I am friends with them, I play improv games alongside them, I have shared the stage with them. I'm still hiding in my shell, and I'm still very guarded and cautious about my surroundings, but the steps I have taken thus far are gradually easing me back outside. I can, at least for now, poke my head out again and take a look. And that's nice.

I have been overwhelmed with love and support recently. This could be because of certain down times, or because people truly care about my well-being, or because there is something wonderful in me that I'm not noticing, or maybe all of the above. Without delving into the history of it, I need to boost my self-confidence, especially as a performer. I am getting better at seeing the good in myself (sometimes), but I'm still far off because I'm so darn good at noticing the bad. It does feel great to have those moments where I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I am beautiful without the sneakiest hint of doubt. Those moments rarely come, but the handful of times they have come in my life have felt pretty darn good.

I also realized I have a LOT of improving to do as a performer, which is not meant to be a contradiction to my last statement. I am my own worst critic. I'm not saying this to put myself down, but to acknowledge that I can get better. And I want to get better, especially as a vocalist. I have been singing in choirs and shows for about 20 years now, and I have not reached a point where I can hear myself sing. So, today, I made a decision to start fixing myself. I took out my laptop and recorded myself singing. And then, I saved each of these recordings, and played them back, and attempted to listen to them without cringing, even when I KNEW beforehand that I went flat on this pitch, or sharp on that pitch, or ran out of air at the end of this phrase, or started that phrase with an awkward sounding vowel. And something happened: I was still cringing, but I wasn't feeling disappointed with the results... I was actually inspired to make them better.

So, I decided to take this further in doing something that terrifies me: posting it on Youtube. It's mostly for me since I don't anticipate a lot of views, but in the event anyone else stumbles across my scratchy recordings, I figure that constructive criticism can only help. I don't know if it will do any good, but at the least, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and my endless wailing.

Anyway, this is the first rough recording I made, using only my laptop's sound recorder. It's not perfect, and it's also not in English. Still, it's a start, and I can only get better: