I Am a Hobbit: The Christmas-Birthday Conundrum

Recently, a former roommate of mine sent this Buzzfeed link to me:

Why Christmas Birthdays Are The Worst

And it cracked me up. It's funny and, for the most part, it's very true.

I wanted to expound on a few of these points, because not a lot of people really understand it. Christmas babies can get tossed aside sometimes because it's stressful enough having to deal with Christmas, let alone celebrate a birthday on top of it. It's essentially Sixteen Candles, except it happens not just once, but nearly EVERY year.

Now, lest I sound ungrateful in the next few paragraphs, let me say that my family has done great in dealing with my awkward day of birth. I have also had a few friends and an old flame go out of their way in small, special ways to spend a little time with me, and those are the birthday memories that I remember with fondness and cherish most.

Well, this is a taste of what it has been like to have Christmas birthday:

Christmas > birthday.

My birthday will always be upstaged by Christmas, and by the jolly large man in the red suit who says Ho-Ho-Ho. I don't blame anything or anyone for this happening, because there are a heck of a lot more people in the world celebrating Christmas than they are my birthday. I compensate by pretending all of the festivities and decorations are for me though. =P

Now I confess, and I feel bad admitting it, but I have had a tendency to ignore "Merry Christmas" wishes I received via voice message, text, FB, and so on, if they do not include a "Happy Birthday" wish as well. It's not because I don't want to wish these kind hearts a merry Christmas in turn (and I'm getting better at just letting it go and sending an appropriate reply), but it's kind of a bummer to be acknowledged on Christmas but forgotten on your birthday. =/

(That said, I am SO thankful to receive birthday wishes from those who remember, and goodness knows how sweet these people are to take time out of their fun Christmas celebrations to send me a quick shoutout.)

On that previous note...

Birthday party? Forget about it.

It'll never happen ON my actual birthday. Now, it seems a rare event for anyone to celebrate their birthday ON their actual birthday, but I usually have to block out the ten days before and after Christmas (if not more) as well because any party I schedule in this period of time will be a party of 1. Even if I am in a town where other friends are as well, Christmas is a family holiday, and the majority of people who celebrate it will be with their families and unable to attend any other sort of party or gathering, let alone a birthday. I'm used to celebrating in solitude though, and I would frequently take myself out for mini-celebrations -- it gives me time to think about what I have done with my year and what more I could do in the future, among other things.

But how many places are actually open on Christmas day?

As a result, and a fun one at that, I have taken to celebrating my birthday whenever I want, especially on my half-birthday and baptism birthday. I'm hoping to change that this year though and actually attempt a small celebration sometime this month, but with an incredibly busy schedule, it may not be easy.

I can also be thankful that Disneyland is one of the few places that IS open so I am able to rock the birthday badge on my actual birthday.

Double presents?

Yes and no.

Some years, I was spoiled more than others. For instance, in third grade, I got a guitar (which I still play today), as well as a slew of other little gifts just from my parents. This came not just from being an only child but also being the only grandchild on one side of the family living in the same country as said grandparents. It was humbling at times though to steer away from materialism because often that toy that I really really REALLY wanted in April would always have to "wait until Christmas/birthday", and come October, it would be long gone from my mind, or no longer in production, or upgraded to something newer, faster, and better -- and who needs that?

On the other hand, most of my life, I have been victim to the combination Christmas & birthday present, because HEY, they happen to be on the same day! It's been annoying at times, but that's the materialistic child in me talking. (And honestly, I have received some amazing single presents that I can't be cynical; the guitar, for one, was more than enough.) At this point in my life, and with our economy, it really doesn't phase me; I ask for so little nowadays because I don't need much, that I am thankful for ANYTHING I get. And I would do the combo present if I had friends with a Christmas birthday.... okay, no, I probably wouldn't.

Speaking of, I can't think of anyone else who has to give other people gifts on their own birthday, aside from the Christmas babies. And apparently, hobbits.

Now, things have improved as I have grown older. I appreciate that I can celebrate my birthday setting aside my selfish needs and thinking about and giving to my family and friends, and sometimes people I don't even know. I especially love being able to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and ponder on His life and all that he gave to me and for all humankind, and goodness knows Jesus didn't let His birthday stop Him from showing charity to others!

Plus, birthday aside, I love the Christmas season and all it represents. And now that it is December, it gives me all the more reason to break out the Christmas tunes and movies.

Also, another reason I have grown to love my birthday: Rod Serling has a Christmas birthday too. =)

It's the October 19th Season

It's always been important to me to remember that no matter how down I feel, I truly am blessed. I wish more people could be this way. Given my snark and sarcasm, I'm not exactly the shining example of bubbly optimism, but it kind of gets under my skin when people constantly sweat the small stuff. Still, I get it, everyone reacts differently to situations, and I'm no exception, so who am I to judge. I guess, point being, I wish more people could take time every now and then to realize how good their lives really are.

I have been incredibly busy, and my mind has been preoccupied with a lot of thoughts, some of which are really not worth wasting brain space on. As a coworker put it, I have "burned bridges", although I do not object to building new bridges, but I don't have the time, tools, or manpower to do that right now. Still, in hopes of improving myself, I have found solace in several small, significant moments all in the last month. And it continues through what is now a month after the fabulous date of October 19th.

Well, I haven't done this in a while, but since I had several October 19th moments IN October, here I go again:

I just wanted to buy it because it's golden and the commercial for it was exciting.

Buying GOLD?!... that's October 19th.

Building a costume with no-sew hem tape... that's October 19th.

And taking said costume to join friends for trick-or-treat at Disneyland... that's October 19th.

I jumped in on a group costume with my friends Margie and Steven. I'm Vanessa (aka Ursula when she takes human form) from The Little Mermaid. I have no idea who those two are supposed to be though.

JACKPOT of candy, some of which is still sitting in my room... that's October 19th.

When it unexpectedly rains after several hot days in a row... that's October 19th.

Going on a super fun hetero-date with a wonderful (married) long-time girl friend... that's October 19th.

It started with Disneyland and ended with over four hours of karaoke. Rain and shaved snow were also involved. Basically, it was everything I could ask for in a date.

Singing... and singing some more... and then recording... that's October 19th.

Making lots of pleasant memories catching up with co-workers... that's October 19th.

Being a part of an awe-inspiring gift for another wonderful long-time friend... that's October 19th.

I wanted to send this picture, but I liked the others I contributed better, so this was not a keeper.

The AMAZING gift was put together by my friend Allan for our friend Tinasu, check it: http://tinamoosu.tumblr.com/ 

Intentionally waking up at 4:30 in the morning without feeling like a Grinch... that's October 19th.

Validated parking in an otherwise expensive parking lot... that's October 19th.

Meeting that guy from those two TV shows you really like... that's October 19th.

No, this is not photo-shopped. It was super fun and he is just as attractive in person, even without the skinny tie.

Asian babies in costumes... that's October 19th.

Okay, ALL babies in costumes... that's October 19th.

Putting together another awesome pre-Halloween group costume with a few friends... that's October 19th.

I don't usually go for play-on-word costumes, but I actually really liked this one. Naturally, I wanted to be the drummer, and not a lot of people recognized me, so it was a win-win. 

Pumpkin flavored chocolate... that's October 19th.

Staying surprisingly immune (for now) through the oncoming cold and flu season... that's October 19th.

When you have just enough money to finally take a short but much-needed road trip... that's October 19th.

January 2nd......... that's October 19th! This next season couldn't come sooner.

Shells Are for Turtles

This is somewhat of a follow-up to my last post.

I came to realize a few more things about myself. Well, I guess that's what this age is all about.

For one, I LOVE performing. This is not a new realization, but a good reminder that hits me every time I'm in a show. Generally speaking, I'm kind of an animated character. And, though it has not been manifest lately, I love to be around people. I love getting to know people and hearing about their lives, and I love when I can open up my life to them too. This has been especially true about when I perform onstage. It doesn't upset or phase me when I look out at the audience for one of my shows and realize that no one that I invited is there (truth is, it's actually a relief because it takes the pressure off!), but when I see someone I know sitting out there, someone who has taken the time out to come and be a part of my life, which in this case is on the stage, it makes me happy.

I admit, I have crawled back into my shell a bit after recent happenings. Anyone who has met me in the last few months has met someone completely different from the weirdo I really am, which may or may not be a good thing. However, I have become very distrustful of people again, especially women, and goodness knows if I'll ever befriend another woman to the point of sharing my true feelings with her about anything again. It's been hard enough to try and open up to any woman I haven't known for more than ten years, and I just feel like I have been taken back a decade. There have been a few recent instances, though, that have almost made me change my mind. There are some wonderful women in this world. I have grown up with them, I sang with them, I currently work with them, I am friends with them, I play improv games alongside them, I have shared the stage with them. I'm still hiding in my shell, and I'm still very guarded and cautious about my surroundings, but the steps I have taken thus far are gradually easing me back outside. I can, at least for now, poke my head out again and take a look. And that's nice.

I have been overwhelmed with love and support recently. This could be because of certain down times, or because people truly care about my well-being, or because there is something wonderful in me that I'm not noticing, or maybe all of the above. Without delving into the history of it, I need to boost my self-confidence, especially as a performer. I am getting better at seeing the good in myself (sometimes), but I'm still far off because I'm so darn good at noticing the bad. It does feel great to have those moments where I can look at myself in the mirror and say to myself that I am beautiful without the sneakiest hint of doubt. Those moments rarely come, but the handful of times they have come in my life have felt pretty darn good.

I also realized I have a LOT of improving to do as a performer, which is not meant to be a contradiction to my last statement. I am my own worst critic. I'm not saying this to put myself down, but to acknowledge that I can get better. And I want to get better, especially as a vocalist. I have been singing in choirs and shows for about 20 years now, and I have not reached a point where I can hear myself sing. So, today, I made a decision to start fixing myself. I took out my laptop and recorded myself singing. And then, I saved each of these recordings, and played them back, and attempted to listen to them without cringing, even when I KNEW beforehand that I went flat on this pitch, or sharp on that pitch, or ran out of air at the end of this phrase, or started that phrase with an awkward sounding vowel. And something happened: I was still cringing, but I wasn't feeling disappointed with the results... I was actually inspired to make them better.

So, I decided to take this further in doing something that terrifies me: posting it on Youtube. It's mostly for me since I don't anticipate a lot of views, but in the event anyone else stumbles across my scratchy recordings, I figure that constructive criticism can only help. I don't know if it will do any good, but at the least, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and my endless wailing.

Anyway, this is the first rough recording I made, using only my laptop's sound recorder. It's not perfect, and it's also not in English. Still, it's a start, and I can only get better:

Not Enough Drama

This summer has been DRAMATIC, in a literal sense. I found myself lost in two very different roles from two very different shows: Romeo & Juliet and Nine the musical. I have come to learn a few new things during and after being a part of both of these productions:

~I don't care what Edna Mode says.... I like capes. =)

That said, and as pointed out by fellow cast members, my Romeo & Juliet costume made me look like Javert from Les Miserables. With the cape added on for the last show, it only enhanced my resemblance, and with it gave a touch of Phantom from Phantom of the Opera as well.

~It's no secret that I like my guys younger, but I realized that if a good one came along, I could probably be with an older man. There have been a few stand-up guys in both of these shows I was in that helped me see this. And yes, this is a HUGE change in my train of thought, because although I'm still immature, a lot of guys are too, including the ones who are older than I am. Plus, I'm an old soul when it comes to pop culture.

(However, I'm not quite ready to jump into the social scene of MSA activities until I reach that age myself, so some things haven't changed.)

~I LOVE playing a man, but I also love playing a woman. (Viola from Twelfth Night is on my role wish list for this very reason.) And I have now added the role of Guido Contini to my list of "Mens' Roles I Would Love to Play in a Gender-Swapped Production of the Show" -- though my romantic entanglements with men are lacking, the number of men who played significant roles in my life are not. I could undoubtedly say that the men I knew have also been more influential than the women -- from my dad, to my ex-boyfriends, to my honorary bros, to friends, acquaintances, coworkers who have left mere imprints. And you can bet that my subconscious has played out Nine in my dreams on more than one occasion, with myself as Guido, and featuring all of the guys in my life.

On a side-note, I played a man in Romeo & Juliet and a woman in Nine:

Going back to the men in my life, I have had the subconscious celebrity Nine dream play out as well at least once. The video I uploaded below only briefly mentions who would play my love interest in the movie of my life, and that was AFTER editing. The list of men goes on and on. This could be a problem....

~I would never sleep, eat, or socialize if I worked behind-the-scenes in the film industry. I spent a few full days sitting in front of my computer editing bits of video together from the messy footage I took on my little camera, and just by seeing how hooked I became working non-stop on these videos, there is no way I could survive doing this as a career. I could only imagine how I would behave with fancier, more complex technology and cleaner video footage to work with -- the OCD in me would erupt.

Speaking of, here's one of the videos I went crazy with putting together. Get to know me a little bit better, and also meet 15 of the coolest people that I have spent the last two months with:

Simply put, this was a great summer. Even though I still have a lot of growing to do, improvements to make as a dancer, actress, singer, and performer, and although it took me a while to get comfortable with the people I played and worked with (mostly because life decided to throw personal drama into the mix too), I have loved being a part of these shows. I almost forgot how exhausting and time-consuming it can be, but was it worth it? Absolutely. The shows themselves were incredible, the rehearsals were full of humor, kindness, self-improvement, and uplifting thoughts, the people were amazing, funny, and oh SO talented, and I hope to continue making this kind of drama in my life happen again soon.

The Fourth Rule of Storytelling

Once upon a time, there was a weirdo who was stuck in a dark place.

Every day, she tried to distract herself from all that had been bothering her, but to little avail.

Until one day, she decided to write all of the sad, painful thoughts down on paper.

And then, she wound up with over nine pages of scribble.

And then, she decided to add some color.

And then, she did a little bit of folding.

Until finally, she created a bouquet.

And ever since then, she always kept in mind that even the ugly moments in life can lead to something beautiful....

....Or, at least, less ugly. The end.

One Day at a Time

New mindless obligatory monthly post coming very soon....

Laughter in Music

The main theme of this week is music, especially nostalgic music that brings a smile, and when unintended. In lieu of exposing my current state of being, I have put together a list of songs which have absolutely no comical context in them whatsoever, but for some reason still make me laugh.

"Bailamos" - Enrique Iglesias

It is in part due to Enrique's vocalization (because "Hero" is also very funny), but whenever I hear this song, it also brings to mind the music video set in the Wild Wild West (yup, as in the movie). I love the random ladies who appear out of nowhere to dance around Enrique whenever the chorus of the song starts, and Enrique's narrow escapes with the end of each chorus. I also like the claps the ladies do in the first chorus, and I carry them into the second and third.

"Copacabana" - Barry Manilow

How depressing. A woman's lover gets killed in front of her and she goes crazy. And yet the tune is so catchy and the instrumentals so upbeat, I zone out the true meaning behind the lyrics and sing along with a big grin on my face. Yeah, a little awkward.

"第一次" - Michael Wong
I'm not really sure why this song is so amusing. My imitation of Michael's vocals? Reminiscing back to my first listen of this song on a high school friend's computer?  The awkward beginning, and awkward ending, and awkward middle segments, of the music video? I don't know for sure, but I like it.

"Hello" - Lionel Richie
Community reference! I love how the Spanish version of this song was featured on those Doritos Locos taco commercials too. And the music video is two parts creepy, one part sweet, and ten parts laughter.

"I'll Make Love to You" - Boyz II Men
The lyrics, the vocals, the music video (which thankfully is NOT about two people making love), the fact that it played in the background to an awkward scene between jock Mike and nerd William in Can't Hardly Wait. It's all pretty self-explanatory.

"On the Wings of Love" - Jeffrey Osbourne
I would not have this song in my mental playlist if it wasn't for The Soup. This would play every time they featured segments of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, and every time I would exclaim along with Joel positive expletives at Jeffrey Osbourne for his dang awfully beautiful song. Touch my heart and make me giggle over and over again.

"Sometimes When We Touch" - Manny Pacquiao

I just love hearing Manny sing. Definitely worth the download on iTunes.

"투나잇" - 터보

I watched the music video to this fairly recently, and I was close to welling up. I don't know if the context of the song is meant to match up what was shown in the video itself. I do not speak Korean, so this song is fun to sing along to since 1. the vocals on one of the guys are crazy high, and 2. how much more fun is it when you can just make up your own words to the parts you do not know? Too bad my Korean is limited. "Arirang Anyang An Anyang Anyang/Anyang Anyang Kamsahamnida..."

"When I Dream at Night" - Marc Anthony

Is this supposed to be a love song? Because there is definitely something else going on in this guy's mind. It can all be heard in the lyrics. Plus, his vocalization, like Enrique's, is fun to imitate in an exaggerated manner.

Maybe I need some lessons in how to react appropriately.

I Think What the Situation Needs is Some Imagination

I have a confession to make: I'm the one who keeps playing the Imagination Movers at work.

When I first discovered these guys, I thought they were the biggest dorks currently in existence on children's television. And to my defense, maybe I wasn't so far off. However, some number of years later (more like in the last week or so), I have changed my tune drastically. These guys are AMAZING.

I found a couple of their CDs in our collection at work left from a former teacher. I didn't think too much of them, but thought to play one of these CDs anyway spontaneously during one of my classes. I received a lot of good feedback from the families exclaiming how much their kids love these guys, not to mention their music was easy for the adults to listen to as well. So I gave the movers another shot. I mean, if nothing else, they were popular with some the families at work. And then, suddenly, their tunes became a bit more catchy, and it was acceptable to play their music since it was upbeat and appropriate for the 16 month old kids and older without being too obnoxious for the adults. In the last few months, I started using it for free play music here and there, and as of the last few weeks, they've been guaranteed to play during every session of free play time I would find myself work.

With more exposure to their tunes, I was curious about their history, who these guys were outside of the blue jumpsuits and dorky personas, so in the past week, I took it to the most ready and reliable source: the Internet. Sarcasm aside.... WHOA, respect gave me a slap in the face. These guys started with an aim of being positive male role models on children's television that had been lost with the passing of Mister Rogers, as well as the absence others. These guys each have an individual history with backgrounds and experience in teaching, literature, journalism, fire-fighting, religious studies, and building design, to name a few. They are from New Orleans, and three of them lost their homes during Katrina, and the fourth worked as a part of the hurricane search-and-rescue effort. They are all married men, and three of the four are fathers. (One of them is a father of five... geez, did he start having kids when he was 15?!) So, not only are these guys musical and energetic, they're well-rounded, charismatic, family-oriented, humble, and a HUGE inspiration. I think the word "heroes" is very appropriate in one of their CDs titled "Juice Box Heroes". And they are still going strong to this day, touring and entertaining their fans, young and old.

Yes, I am now a fan.

Yes, I recently clicked the "like" button on Facebook.

Yes, I just bought one of their songs on iTunes. And I plan on buying more.

This is one of the first songs I heard (and video I watched) of theirs that initially convinced me of how lame I thought these guys were. This is also the song that has been stuck in my head in the last few days. Who knew going to the farm could rock like this?

The Other Timelines

A few nights ago, I had another Abed moment. I started to ponder the alternate parallel timelines of my life, a very Twilight Zone way of thinking. What would have become of my life if the slightest altercation was made? For instance...

What if I went to West Valley College instead of De Anza College? The original plan (and my original want) was West Valley, and after the change in my living situation, I could have just jumped at the chance to change schools. I mean, they're both community colleges, and the latter school only served to remind me of who still had total control over my life. I kept where I was though, for convenience more than anything else, and I was not looking forward to it. I did well academically though, maybe because I was motivated to transfer somewhere even further away from the painful reminder of why I was where I was. And with that, I made a few friends along the way (one in particular who was a big help to me spiritually and emotionally). I had an AMAZING music theory professor, and while it was hard to focus in his class during the second year, I learned a lot from him, and I have put it to good use recently while I am dabbling with vocal music arrangements. In fact, I have had a slew of awesome teachers who have left bigger imprints on my life than anyone in my time at the UC. Would I have had that at West Valley? Maybe, I don't know. Either way, I'm sure my love for Community would still be where it is today.

What if I was married at 24? Okay, this one is mostly beyond my control, because I was the dumpee instead of the dumper, but I could have been better too. More than anything, I was scared. And it was because I was scared (though I'm sure there are MANY other factors in play as well) that I drove away who was at the time a great guy for me, someone who I actually wanted to be with for the rest of my life and eternity. I know better now. Had I been married at that time, to that person, I would have likely ended up very

unhappy, possibly in divorce. This is not because he's a bad guy, but because it wouldn't have been right, at least not at the time. I knew then he would have been the right guy, but we were definitely rushing into things, and had we waited it out, given ourselves time to grow a little bit more, it could have been the right thing to do. Now I know that it was for the better. I don't know how he has fared, but I am amazed at how much growing up I have done since then. Although I have developed a fear of commitment as a result (which I won't give him too much credit for), something better is in store. I have no doubts he is now happily married, and maybe children are in the picture, and I in turn am enjoying a happy, single life which may or may not involve a partner down the road. Truth is, we are both much better off.

What if I did NOT join the LDS Church? Well... if I did not join it at the time, I probably would have eventually. Extraneous circumstances may have led me to a greater conversion story than what I have now. Maybe I would have actually tried an alcoholic drink, maybe many. I would have no longer been a church-goer since I was tainted by my time at the last church I was with, or I would just find a local church building to frequent on the major religious holidays. I would have continued in my cynicism toward life, with no purpose but to make it through to the next day, trudging through the pain that the past brought to me, fearful of the bleak and empty future, and ultimately fearful of death.

My self-conscious, insecure nature would have taken over me, and yes, I probably would have been a big slut. In the rare event I decided to try drugs, I would choose ecstasy. I'm not definitively saying I would have done all these mad things with my life had I not chosen the LDS Church; I know many who do not share my faith who are still good, wholesome, outstanding people. Unfortunately, I do not know for sure if I would have been one of these people. With the change in my living situation, I think I could have been straightened out so that the mental anguish of the past didn't screw me up for the future, but who can be so sure? The truth is, this church has changed my life, and it was tough at first, but these past eight years of membership have shaped me into a better person.

There are plenty of moments that I wish would have been different, which leads me to wonder what would have happened if they did actually play out the way I hoped they would. Then there are other times I wonder about a life vastly different from that I live now, be it better or worse. And yet, I know that there is nothing I could have done to change anything, and that even if these situations were tough and could have been avoided, that I would have had to face situations just as tough in these circumstances. I can be happy for the happy moments, and as for the sad, they have only made me stronger.

In other news, I think I need a vacation, even just a day or two to get away. In other words a la Abed, my Ferris Bueller needs a day off... whose dad has a vintage ferrari?

And hopefully it happens sooner rather than later, because earlier this week, this happened:

Yep, I have started preparing for the darkest timeline. (And yes, they are made of felt.)

Conversion of an Eight-Year-Old Weirdo

A lesson in Relief Society a little while ago had me in contemplation of my baptism. The lesson itself was about keeping a journal, and although this was a bit frustrating to sit through, it made me want to look back at some of my old (online) journal entries, particularly those from when I first joined the LDS church. And so I looked back to the days of investigating, and leading up to the actual day of March 26th, 2005.

.........I have virtually nothing written about my baptism.

On March 26th, 2005, I wrote more about chicken strips and orchestra concerts instead of the actual event that was my baptism. This is all I have found from that day that even remotely relates to my baptism, bad punctuation and all:

"today was awesome. long day but a good one for the most part. dont want to elaborate on it because i feel the tiredness creeping in so maybe i can write more about it tomorrow which might work cause itll be easter. i am so thankful for everyone who is supportive of me even though some people who i will not name are making me feel terrible about it. still i am very content with what happened."

LAME.

Every year on my baptism anniversary (birthiversary), I have gone out of my way to do something special for myself, be it little like buying something sweet and sugary, or something bigger like gathering together with a group of friends and going to dinner, which in these cases became a combination of my birthday and re-birthday, since we all know how easy it is for me to plan a shindig on my actual birthday*... good times. This year was nothing exceptional, except I had my first performance with this new improv group on the same night, but I still bought something made of sugar and spent time reminiscing.

This particular birthiversary was a special one for me because I turned eight years old. In other words, I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for eight years. At eight years old, members who were born into this church can make the decision for themselves as to whether or not they want to be baptized. It's a big decision to make, and one I am not sure I could have made myself at that age.

When I was eight years old, I was baptized into a Baptist church, of which I only have vague recollections of since I spent most of my childhood and teen years church hopping. I think about the many different branches of Christianity I had been exposed to, the various services I attended and church buildings I was carted off to, and some were better than others in regards to how they made me feel spiritually. However, none of them ever felt right. I'm not saying they aren't wonderful places of worship for others, and I'm not saying the people there were all horrible, but I never felt comfortable being bombarded with conflicting Gospel doctrine, with members who would practice what they preached for a mere few hours on Sundays (if even), with no clear understanding of my relationship to the God I was always praising and praying to -- heck, was there even a relationship in the first place, or was I merely an ant amid a swarm of ants blurting out chants and recitations to ward off an oncoming flood?

These questions weighed heavier on my mind following my high school graduation. It was a really bad year with a lot of (what seemed at the time) bad experiences, and I was somewhat spiritually lost for a number of months. I left the last church I was attending, I made a change in my living situation, and with the handful of friends I had leaving for college (or for the younger ones, staying in high school and living their lives without me a part of it), I had to essentially recreate my social life. One thing never changed though -- my love and firm belief for my God, my faith in His truths and principles, and my diligence in daily prayer and reading the Scriptures (of which I naturally accumulated more than one version of).

Was I happy to meet with the missionaries the first time they came over to my house? YEAH RIGHT. This was my way of humoring someone who was a very important part of my life at the time who claimed to have sent the missionaries to my house as a "birthday present". In fact, I was ready to bombard them with questions and misconceptions that I knew they couldn't answer...

But I didn't.

Benyo and Hunter, who couldn't have been much older than I was, spoke to me kindly, honestly, and took the time to actually hear where I was coming from and what I believed without judgment or negativity. And I in turn became genuinely interested in learning more. I had a number of LDS friends from high school, and I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that many of these wonderful people were brainwashed sheep who followed the wrong Jesus and worshiped a man named Joseph Smith. It's crazy to see now how contention attacks truth at every turn, because everything my non-LDS pastors and a couple of family members had preached to me about Mormon doctrine couldn't be further from what is actually taught and true.

It was a sunny day, probably early March. Looking back at my journal, I think it actually might have been March 15th (ides of March?), possibly earlier. I was walking out of my music theory class, and this overwhelming feeling suddenly came over me, seemingly out of the blue, like I was being enveloped in warmth and love, which is as cheesy as it sounds. I realized, more at that moment than I did before, that everything I had been learning in the last two months was indeed true, that I could not deny what I knew to be right, that this Gospel was my way to pure happiness, and that I needed to continue to better myself by following the amazing example of Jesus Christ. That moment, I jumped into my car, called the missionaries, and excitedly told them that I wanted to be baptized, and we set the baptism and confirmation for Easter weekend.

And then all hell broke loose. There's no need to go into specifics, but it was awful. I had to keep my baptism under wraps because I was getting slammed from every direction from former friends who thought I was doing this for a boy, and my home life wasn't any easier. All I could do was pray, and every time I prayed, I asked (on some days, pleaded) to know if I was doing the right thing, and every time Heavenly Father affirmed to me that I was right. I can't begin to express how thankful I am for the handful of people who helped me get through those extremely difficult days, and I know Heavenly Father placed these people in my life at this time knowing their support would be integral to persevering through my first years as a new Latter-Day Saint.

The baptism itself. There are times I remember it like yesterday, and there are other times I can hardly recall anything that happened. One part that always stands out: the nerves and giddiness of stepping into the font, the calm serenity of falling back into the waters (despite almost losing my balance), and rising up with a newness of life and a big smile on my face. I did not have many people in attendance; the only people who attended that were from my YSA ward were the Bishop and the RS President, but the other few friends I had who attended (most of whom are not LDS) shared in my excitement. I was so happy they could be there to witness such a significant event in my life, and I am happy to still have many of them in my life to this day.

Do I wish my baptism could have been different? Yes. There are people I wish I could have had there, there are people I wish wouldn't have been there (but that's another story entirely!), there are preparations I wish I would have made to be more fully ready for what was ahead, and had I been smarter and more mature, I wish I could have written more about that amazing day so that I could better share it with others, including my future (or now present) eight-year old self.

Do I have any regrets? Absolutely NOT. It is still the best decision I have made in my life.

I am so lucky to be where I am, and I don't know where I would be without the true Gospel of Jesus Christ, restored in its fullness nearly 200 years ago by a boy who, like myself, was lost at one point and just wanted an answer. My baptism didn't necessarily change how I worship, but it changed my perspective, how I view myself and others, how I view my Heavenly Father, how I follow my Savior Jesus Christ, how I live life, and how this life is a gift not to be wasted. I'm not perfect (not even CLOSE), I'm still a weirdo with a lot of growing up to do, a lot of self-actualizing to work through, but I'm always striving to be better. And life just keeps getting better.

*Side note: I'm thinking one of these years, I'll have a My Dinner with Andre Dinner with Abed birthday dinner. I wonder who the Jeff in my life will be at that point...

The Only Constant is Change

At first, I wanted to write "The Only Constant is Chang". =P Six seasons and a movie. (And the Chang puns are great because I can adapt a lot of them to fit my name too. HA!)



Change can be scary. It can also be exciting. This isn't a profound set of thoughts meant to reveal that a big change is in store for me, because as of this moment, there isn't one. It is instead an outlet for letting out my feelings of fear coupled with doses of optimism.

A friend is going through a big change right now that just began, and it has affected me more than I expected it would. I suppose that his big change is mine as well, to a far lesser extent of course. And with it just starting, I have reacted strangely. As excited as I am for him, I have been somewhat concerned as to how I'll make it through. It reminds me of when Abed was struggling to cope when Troy moved out to go to the air-

conditioning repair school, and then Evil Abed shows up, but that's another story. The point being, I was trying  to make the most of the time I had with him when he was here, knowing that soon it would be gone and that it would be a long time until we see each other again. And now he is far away, and I have been okay, better than I expected, but still oddly withdrawn. A part of me is scared that in the future we will not have what we do have now, and how hard it will be to find someone else who I can have that with. Another part of me knows that a lot will be happening, and regardless of how it affects me, I need to embrace it. It's all quite strange. Strange change.

In connection to all this, Community makes me SO happy, especially the moments where I can relate to Abed. This recent quote from him, for instance:

"I was trying to hang on to this moment because I was so afraid of the future, but then I realized all of this was once the future. And it was completely different from what I had known before, and it was happening so fast. But in the end, or in the now I guess, it turned out great."

It's TRUE.

Eight years ago (tomorrow), I made a decision that changed my life for the better: baptism into the LDS church. It has been the best decision I have ever made thus far. I also look at the other events that have happened in my life, and so much has happened that I never imagined would happen. I know I shouldn't be worried about the future, because at one point, what is now my present was once my future, and I didn't expect to be where I'm at, doing all that I'm doing, not to mention all of the incredible people who have come into my life. I don't know what the future holds, and it terrifies me to think about it, and yet I know that good things are in store.

And I know that (who was the closest to being) the Troy to my Abed is exactly where he needs to be right now. And I'm proud of him. Cool. Cool cool cool.

In the Spirit of Love

So, Sunday is coming to a close, the Niners lost the Stupidbowl, and now it's time to move our thoughts and energy toward another menial holiday: Valentine's Day.

Now, for what it's worth, I actually enjoy Valentine's Day most of the time. I think it's a wonderful idea to celebrate love in all of its forms, not to mention 90% off the price of candy come February 15th. With hearts day fast approaching, a lot of thoughts have raced through my mind about love.

I just finished reading the most recent book in the Pirates! series, entitled "The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Romantics", which was the main instigator in turning my thoughts toward the upcoming holiday. Great book, and though I mainly enjoy the series for its light-hearted content and humor, for once I actually found myself relating to the Pirate Captain. He, of all people, finds himself falling in love with Mary, who is already betrothed to Percy Shelley! Still, the Pirate Captain tries to pursue her, especially upon finding out that she is just as smitten with him as he is with her. Ultimately, he comes to his own self-realization about love and relationships, thoughts that I have felt time and time again. It's fascinating to see my thoughts manifested in written word, regardless of how satirical they appear at first glance.

I have heard way too many people gripe about how awful it is to be single on Valentine's Day. To everyone who feels this way, I say phooey! (And I'm quite surprised that spell check did not call me out on misspelling "phooey"; I guess I spelled it right!)

Let me shed some light on what others view as a seemingly dreadful situation. I only recall one Valentine's Day off the top of my head when I have not been single. Frankly, I prefer the single life on Valentine's Day: much less pressure, and many more options. To elaborate:

Valentine's Day for the Single:

Who: You and a friend, a group of friends, a hot prospect, random strangers, family, anyone really!

What: The movies, concerts, sports games, hiking, shopping, the gym, restaurants, Disneyland, anything!

Where: Anywhere you want!

Why: Because you can!

Valentine's Day for the Non-Single: 

Who: You and your male/female significant other

What: Whatever he/she wants

Where: Wherever he/she tells you

Why: Because if you don't, he/she won't talk to you for a month and/or will dump you

Rest assured, single friends, your Valentine's Day does not have to be a dismal one. Plus, it's a good excuse to go out instead of sitting at home with a pint of ice cream and a marathon of lame chick flicks. (And for my non-single friends, only one of whom I think actually reads my blog, please do not take my words too seriously. Being in a relationship is pretty awesome in a lot of ways too.)

Side note: Love Actually is the ONLY good chick flick out there. A number of my friends have debated with me as to whether it can actually be classified as a chick flick since so many guys enjoy it too, but I'm going to run with the idea that it is indeed a chick flick since it is one of my few links to being more in touch with my girly side. Plus, Sheriff Grimes is in it too, and he's awesome.

Now, I have found recently that many of my guy friends are trying to get me married off. I can justify the reasoning for one of them, since we have an ongoing bet as to who will be married first. For the other guys, I can only guess that they must be tired of hanging out with me and are trying to pawn me off. I know that there is someone out there for everyone, and not just necessarily ONE someone either. In my case, maybe I'll find him in this life, or maybe we will be joined together in the next. (If the latter is to happen, I would be especially partial to be with someone who died during WWII -- perhaps in the Army to please my late grandfather.) I can very well say the same for any one of my current single friends: there is someone out there for you, and if you haven't found this person already, you will.

All right, I think I reached my sappiness quota for tonight. (And "sappiness" is approved by spell check also, who knew?)

Les Misérables, Partie Deux

I went to see Les Misérables in theaters for the second time. Here is a collection of thoughts that came to mind tonight, during and after the movie:

~Do you hear the people sing? Because this song always seems to get stuck in my head when I hear it.

~I know they make Hugh Jackman look different as he goes through the various changes in Jean Valjean's life, but nineteen years pass and he still looks good. Is Hugh really 44 years old? (Is Joel McHale really 41?) Maybe getting older isn't such a scary thought.

~Thénardier is apparently the only French man in this movie with a French accent. Everyone else must have immigrated from England.

~Helena Bonham Carter's Madame Thénardier reminded me of a grimy, nastier version of her Mrs. Lovett.

~Eponine made me so much more sad and sympathetic this time around. She is gorgeous AND she broke my heart. I would still love to portray her onstage someday. (If I ever make it back up on a stage and can squeeze out any talent.) Eh, it's nice to dream, I suppose.

~Come to think of it, I would love to portray any one of the leading ladies in this show: Fantine, Eponine, Cosette (if I can ever reach that C again), even Madame Thénardier would be fun. I'm probably just a few years too old and a few feet too tall to perform Castle on a Cloud though...

~Marius further proves that no matter what you look like, girls will still think you're hot if you have a great singing voice. I call that the Michael Bublé effect. (And yes, 90% of what makes Michael and Eddie Redmayne hot are their singing voices. Maybe 70% singing voice in Eddie's case since he is also British which gives him an extra dose of hotness.)

~Enjolras is a handsome pup. Revolution? Sign me up! Vive la France!

~Even though I knew what was coming, I teared up the first time I watched Gavroche's last scene. And then I did it again tonight. And I will probably continue to be emotionally hit by this scene every time I see it. Darn those kids.

~Still no waterworks though. I guess I'm just an insensitive turd.

~I want a pretty fancy-sounding French name. Maybe I'll bestow them on my future kids.

~Russell Crowe is NOT a terrible singer. He is by no means as pleasant to listen to as the other actors (and I did cringe through the first viewing when he started singing), but he manages to pull it off, and at times his subtlety portrays itself very well in Javert's emotions. I'd still rather hear someone else sing "Stars" though. Anyone else. Well... maybe not ANYONE...

Overall, Les Mis is a great movie, and completely deserving of every award nomination (and win!) it has received thus far. And it might be worth watching in the theaters a third time... or maybe I'll just go see Cloud Atlas a second time and wait for Les Mis to go on DVD.

P.S. Cloud Atlas is another amazing movie worth watching. It's mind-blowing.

One Month Until October 19th!

I found some old notes, quotes, and tidbits I jotted down in my notebook and cell phone, and although it may be repetitive, it's kind of nice to recognize the state of mind that is October 19th. I did this in another post a few months ago, and I'm quite pleased at how I have maintained this state of mind, not just for these past few months, but for the majority of 2012. And so, also for lack of creativity coupled with a sore throat and stuffy head, I will pick up where I left off and look back at more of the simple joys that are October 19th.

When you don't have to dress in costume and collect candy to have an enjoyable Halloween night -- that's October 19th.

Eating banana fosters cheesecake while being serenaded by a fine jazz trio -- that's October 19th.

When you start rocking out to Beatles' songs during your ten minute work break -- that's October 19th.

Composing a rough three-part harmony arrangement of a Christmas song in a matter of a few hours and performing it a few weeks later -- that's October 19th.

When your dog is the instigator for a conversation between you and a cute LDS boy you've never met before -- that's October 19th.

Spending a four-day weekend with hot chocolate, Christmas movies, and many great people -- that's October 19th.

When the pronunciation of a new language starts to make sense (dziękuję Youtube!) -- that's October 19th.

Putting up Christmas lights in your room after a two-year hiatus, and listening to them every other night -- that's October 19th.

When doomsday is randomly spent with a few (or many) laughs from The Soup -- that's October 19th.

Making it through ten hour work days with loads of energy to continue playing after -- that's October 19th.

When you spend a night of karaoke with just one other friend and realize it's the best night of karaoke ever because you can sing every other song and rock out with said friend to some amazing duets -- that's October 19th.

On that note, when same friend makes you feel pretty darn special by being the only one to celebrate your birthday in December with karaoke -- that's October 19th. (January karaoke celebration coming soon... =P)

Discovering you share a birthday with Rod Serling -- that's October 19th.

When you have been gifted the awesome sweater that you asked for your birthday TWICE -- that's October 19th.

Treating yourself to birthday dinner on more than one occasion just because you actually have the time (and money) to do it -- that's October 19th.

When your friends spontaneously surprise you with a birthday cookie two nights before your birthday -- that's October 19th.

Getting in and out of the DMV in less than an hour without any hassle -- that's October 19th.

When your married friends treat you to your first Disneyland tour and a fancy dinner so that you can celebrate your birthday at the same time they are celebrating being newlyweds -- that's October 19th.

Celebrating what thus far has been the best Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday all in the same year -- that's October 19th.

Realizing the start of the fourth season of Community is one month away -- that's October 19th!