I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time typing out all of these words when no one is really reading them. Still, I have promised myself to a monthly type thanks to setting 101 goals for the next 1001 days, and I am due for an update. Given the pattern of procrastination at the end of each month to squeeze in an entry or two, I might as well write something now, giving me ample time to gather my thoughts together for something more profound to blog about next month.
I guess I never figured out exactly why I have this blog. I don't have a large network of fellow bloggers, especially those who keep themselves currently updated, and I'm nowhere close to celebrity status that hundreds of scattered acquaintences care what thoughts and feelings are scrolling through my mind (precisely why I don't have a twitter). I suppose ever since I gave up the paper journal writing years ago after the nasty events that played out then, I owed it to myself to let my creative juices flow with the eccentricities that are my thoughts. Perhaps down the road, I will read this blog and realize it was worth writing in.
And at the same time, there was so much I could have written here, and, for one reason or another, chose not to. I avoided writing of the more personal things, hanging out with good friends and family and the one I love, the holidays, the parties I went to, the dates I had gone on, the shows and concerts I had performed in, the specific details of times I felt my happiest, saddest, strongest, weakest, most spiritual, confused, loved, heartbroken, worried for my welfare and of those I love and care for deeply. Though at times I may have stretched the truth and poked fun at myself, nothing I had written was a lie. And I do have my own special place where my sincere, personal thoughts of my memories are stored. In a way, I consider it a better thing to have not shared these thoughts on a public venue such as blogspot. However, if I had opened up early on, would things have changed? Would I have been taken more seriously by others? Would my words be more significant, more influential, more meaningful?
I have been blessed with many things in life, but as selfish and ungrateful as it may sound, there's so much more that's missing now. My mind has never been more confused, and yet the messages I'm getting are so clear and direct, and that makes things even more confusing, because these are not the messages I should be receiving when everything is suddenly working against them. With that, I also find it'll be more difficult to write here, but what a miracle it'll be to channel back into my eccentricities in the very near future.
And this gives me more caution on what to write next. I have been riding the fence of being too open or too indirect with the thoughts of mine that I jot online. To be too open makes me immediately vulnerable to getting hurt and having my words taken and used against me. To be too indirect makes my words and thoughts and motives, essentially me, misinterpreted. So where to go from here? What to write next? October's entry might take a while. Considering my audience, however, I don't think anyone will mind.
Oops. So much for not having anything to write.
